Hello everyone! I wanted to share my first 10 page comic book story with all of you. I can't draw very well and I don't have an artist to draw my story nor can I pay one to do so but I can let you all read my story and I hope that you enjoy it. You can draw the story for practice if you like-I would love to see what someone comes up with. And if anyone knows or wants to be the artist for my story let me know. I can't pay you but somehow mabye we could do a webcomic together or if we could try to break into the comic book industry. Okay I'm getting ahead of myself but I hope that you enjoy the story and please give me your constructive criticsism and tell me what you like and don't like. If you have any tips let me know! Enough rambling! P.S. I'm currently working on another Tzedek story! Enjoy!
Page 1
Panel 1 It's a rainy windy late Friday evening in Chicago. Watching the EL trains pass by the Chicago Sun's building from the eight story ledge is our heroine Tzedek. She wears a blue and white spandex costume with blue boots and a blue and white gloves. A blue domino mask covers her black eyes and face. Her black curly hair with white-bluish streaks running throughout runs down her back.
SFX(WIND): Whoosh
Caption: To save a life. You can break Shabbat in order to save a life…
Panel 2 Tzedek jumps down from the building to a bridge below.
Caption: That's what I intend to do.
Panel 3 Tzedek jumps up from the bridge to a moving EL train.
Caption: But first, I need some information.
Panel 4 Now on top of the moving train, Tzedek begins to walk towards the car door.
Caption: And I know just where to get it.
Panel 5 Tzedek arrives at the car entrance and prepares to jump down to the small platform at the back of the train car where the car door is.
Caption: My contact rides this line on a daily basis. It's also where he does a lot of his business.
Panel 6 Tzedek now by the car door prepares to go inside the train car.
Caption: Funny thing, my contact isn't expecting me. He doesn't even know he's my contact.
Caption: Hell, most of my contacts don't even know they're my contacts.
Page 2
Panel 1 Now inside the train car, Tzedek is looking right at two guys who are seated across from each other by the exit doors. On Tzedek's left is guy #1. He's White, dressed in a business suit. There's a black briefcase on his lap. On Tzedek's right is guy #2. He's black has conrolls and wears a Chicago Bears jersey with black baggy jeans and white sneakers. He has a cell phone in his right hand. Both are looking back at Tzedek with surprised, nervous epxressions. No one else is in this train car.
Caption: I love surprises.
TZEDEK: HEY FELLAS! WHAT'S GOING ON?
BOTH MEN (SIMONTANEOUSLY AND NERVOUSLY): NOTHING.
Panel 2 Still standing with arms crossed and a grin on her face, Tzedek continues to stare the men down. The men are fidgeting nervously as they eye her back. Guy #1 starts to get up from his seat as he looks towards the train door. Tzedek touches him on his right shoulder.
TZEDEK : NOW DON'T LEAVE YET, URI. I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR YA.
URI: I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS AND MY STOP IS NEXT–
GUY#2: HEY MAN! wHAT ABOUT-
URI: I'M ALL OUT. MABYE ANOTHER TIME
SFX (CELL PHONE RINGING): 'LMAFO PARTY rOCK'
Panel 3 Now fully standing and towering over Tzedek, Uri has his briefcas in his right hand. Tzedek has her left hand on the briefcase.
TZEDEK: WHAT ARE YOU ALL OUT OF?
URI (NERVOUSLY): NOTHING. NOW I HAVE TO GO!
TZEDEK: URI WHAT'S IN THE CASE?
Panel 4 Tzedek and Uri are now playing tug of war with the case as Guy #2 looks while on his cell.
URI: LET GO OF IT WITCH!!!!
ROWRY: OOH, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IMPORTANT IN IT IF YOU'RE CALLING ME NAMES!
GUY#2 (ON CELL): WASSUP MAN…
Panel 5 Tzedek and Uri continue to play tug o war with the case as guy #2 gets up to leave. Tzedek's head is turned towards him.
SFX(GUY#2 Laughing on the phone): HAH HAH HAH, I KNOW RIGHT!
Caption: Dude's a user-small fish. No worries, I'll get him later.
SFX (RIPPING OF THE CASE): RIPPPP
Panel 6 The train doors have just shut behind guy #2 . Tzedek and Uri have stopped playing tug O war as the now lies on the floor with one side (Tzedek's) ripped opened. There are different color plastic patches spread all over the floor. Both Tzedek and Uri are looking down.
SFX: TRAIN CAR DOORS SHUTTING
Caption: Drug patches-cocaine, marijuana, and meth ones.
URI: @%?!
TZEDEK (MICKING RICKY RICARDO) URI! YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!
Page 3
Panel 1 Moments later…outside the train car: Tzedek has Uri's head bent down close by the tracks as the train speeds down the tracks.
URI (YELLING): I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!
TZEDEK: YOU'RE NOT A GOOD LIAR URI. I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY. WHAT ABOUT YOU, YOU'VE GOT ALL DAY?
Panel 2 Tzedek slams Uri's head on the tracks.
SFX (URI): AAAAH!
Caption: The clock's ticking and I need answers.
Panel 3 Tzedek has brought Uri's head back up from the tracks. Blood is dripping down his face. He has a terrified expression.
URI: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!
TZEDEK (SARCASTIC): AW, YOU FINALLY GOT MY ANSWERS!
URI: THE BEAKER'S GANG'S HOLD UP IN A HOUSE NOT FAR FROM THE UNIVERSITY.
Panel 4 Tzedek now holds Uri by his collar as the blood drips onto his suit. His terrified face is very close to hers.
TZEDEK: WHAT'S THE ADDRESS?
Caption: Bingo.
Panel 5 After getting the address, Tzedek holds Uri by the collar, as he passes out while she threatens him.
TZEDEK (DOUBLE BUBBLE): I'M GONNA GO EASY ON YOU TODAY URI. BUT THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU WITH THOSE PATCHES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE WISHING I PUT YOUR HEAD ON THE TRACKS.
SFX (URI MOANS AS HE PASSES OUT): OOOH.
Panel 6 Rowry jumps from the train, down to the street below leaving a passed out Uri behind safely handcuffed to the train platform outside the car.
TZEDEK: I'LL BE SEEING YOU URI.
Page 4
Panel 1 Saturday Morning. Two blocks aways from the University is the Mckoy Book Store. Tzedek's tailing a young man while pretending to pursue the books in the sci-fi section. The guy is in his late teens dressed in black skinny jeans with a black t-shirt that says 'SID' in orange lettering. He has red hair and freckles. He wears black converse sneakers. He's purchasing a lot of coffee and food from the cafe that's to the left of Tzedek. Tzedek wears a ladies' brown trench coat over her costume.Her hair is now up in a bun.
Caption: Uri was right. The gang's definitely in the area.
Caption: I'm tailing their 'gopher'. He's the new guy who runs errands for the gang for a month before moving on to illegal activities.
Caption: The kid could be doing this type of thing as an intern in an office…instead he's in a gang.
Panel 2 The guy leaves the bookstore carrying two bags of food in his left hand and in his right two carts holding four cups of coffee each. Tzedek's right behind him.
Caption: This dude may be a gopher, but the rest of the Beaker gang's no joke. They're the most powerful gang on the north side of Chicago.
Caption: Kidnapping, drugs, murder, armed robberies, human trafficing-you name it and they're in it.
Panel 3 One block away from the bookstore the gopher is walks towards a big white hous in a rich residential area where expensive homes line both sides of the street. Still trailing the gopher, Tzedek is now up in a tree not to far from the home.
Panel 4 Tzedek now jumps from the tree to the roof of home that's two doors down from the house the gopher entered.
Time for a little surveillance.
Panel 5 Now on the roof, Tzedek continues her surveillance. There are two guys in the backyard-guy #1 is in the pool while guy #2 is at the grill. M.I.A.'s Paper Planes is blasting from the stereo that's near the grill.
Caption: I'm deep in Beaker gang territory, security is very relaxed.
SFX (FROM STEREO): ALL I WANNA DO IS 'BANG, BANG, BANG' AND A 'KACHING' TAKE YOUR MONEY…
Panel 6 Tzedek jumps from the roof to another roof heading towards the gang's house.
Caption: Time to save a life.
Page 5
Panel 1 The wind begins to pick up as Tzedek stealthy lands in the backyard, ten feet away from the pool. The guy at the grill faces the sliding doors as he's about to enter the house. The music's still blasting as the guy in the pool leans against the pool wall at the deep end. His back is facing Tzedek.
SFX(FROM STEREO): ALL I WANNA DO IS 'BANG, BANG, BANG' AND A 'KACHING' TAKE YOUR MONEY…
Panel 2 Tzedek quickly moves quietly towards guy #1.
SFX (MUSIC): M.I.A. THIRD WORLD DEMOCRACY..
Panel 3 Now right abouve guy #1, Tzedek's hands inch towards his head as he still doesn't notice her.
SFX (MUSIC): YEAH, I GOT MORE RECORDS THAN THE KGB…
Panel 4 Tzedek has pushed guy #1's head underwater and he's struggling.
SFX(MUSIC): SOME, SOME, SOME I, SOME I MURDER, SOME I SOME I LET GO…
Panel 5 The struggle now over, the man's body sinks down to the pool's floor.
SFX(FROM STEREO): ALL I WANNA DO IS 'BANG, BANG, BANG' AND A 'KACHING' TAKE YOUR MONEY…
Panel 6 Tzedek quietly and stealthy heads towards the grill.
Page 6
Panel 1 Now hiding behind the grill,Tzedek waits for the guy #2 to come back out from the house.
SFX (MUSIC FROM THE STEREO): INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC
Panel 2 As guy #2 comes back out, Tzedek is ready to pounce.
GUY #2: JOSH! DID YOU CHECK THE STEAKS MAN?
GUY #2 (MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) HE'S SO FEEAKING LAZY!
SFX: INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC
Panel 3 Tzedek jumps the guy from behind, knocking him into the table that's across from the grill.
SFX (GUY #2): UH!
SFX: INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC BLASTING IN THE BACKGROUND
Panel 4 As he recovers, guy #2 grabs a knife from the cutting board on the table.
SFX: INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC
Panel 5 He swings the knife at Tzedek cutting her across the shoulder.
SFX: INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC
Panel 6 Tzedek then belts the guy causing him to drop the knife as the wind is knocked out of him.
GUY #2 OOF!
SFX (KNIFE FALLING TO THE FLOOR): CLANG!
SFX: INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC
Panel 7 Tzedek grabs the guy who's still out of breath, lifting up the grill cover.
Panel 8 Moments later, Tzedek opens the sliding door with a sly grin as the grill now shut sizzles as smoke and guy #2's screams rise out of it. The instrumental techno music still plays as it slowly drowns out the screams.
SFX (GRILL SIZZLING): ZZZZ, ZZZ
SFX (GUY #2 SCREAMING): AAAH! AAAH! AAAH!
SFX: INSTRUMENTAL TECHNO MUSIC
Page 7
Panel 1 Inside, Tzedek looks around the living room. The TV is on. There's a pasued video game blarring sound and color on the screen. On the small wide round table in between the TV and the blue couch are a coffee and a half-eaten scone on a plate.
Caption: Two down, six more to go…but where are they?
Panel 2 As Tzedek walks towards the kitchen door, she hears two voices coming from inside.
Caption: Oooh a sign!
Panel 3 Cracking the door open, she sees the gopher and older teenaged girl (she's about sixteen and she looks like a cross between Jubilee and X-23) by the opened two door fridge.
GOPHER:…I CAN'T DO THAT! THEY'LL KILL ME!
GIRL: THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AND THE OTHERS EVENTUALLY. THEY'LL HURT US, THEN KILL US.
Caption: That's why I'm gonna stop this.
Panel 4 Tzedek quietly makes her entrance as the gopher and the girl continue their conversation off panel.
GOHPER: LOOK, I WANT TO HELP BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.–
GIRL: CALL THE POLICE!
GOHPER: I CAN'T! THEY'VE GOT PEOPLE IN THE POLICE. I WOULDN'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST.
Panel 5 The girl's expression is surprise as she notices Tzedek in the kitchen. The gopher is facing the girl his back towards Tzedek. Tzedek has her index finger over her mouth motioning them to be quiet.
GIRL: OH! WHO ARE-
TZEDEK: SSSSH!
Panel 6 Tzedek speaks quietly to them as they have relieved looks on their faces.
TZEDEK: WHERE ARE THE OTHER GIRLS?
GOPHER: ONE IS UPSTAIRS WITH TWO OF THE GUYS WHILE THE OTHER TWO GIRLS IS IN THE BASEMENT WITH THE OTHER TWO.
GOPHER (SOUNDING GUILTY AND UPSET): THEY'RE…THEY'RE…I WAS SCARED…I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO…
Panel 7 As she cracks open the kitchen door to go back to the living room, she tells the two stunned teenagers to leave.
TZEDEK: GET OUT OF HERE AND CALL THE COPS. I'LL GET THE OTHER GIRLS.
GOPHER: WAIT. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
TZEDEK: I HAVE MY WAYS…NOW GO!
Page 8
Panel 1 Minutes later Tzedek's at the bottom of the stairs in the basement. Across from her is a half bath (it only has a sink and toilet). One of the gang members is on his knees with his head over the toilet seat puking into it.
SFX (GUY #1 PUKING): BLEECH! BLEECH!
Panel 2 Quickly looking to her left, Tzedek sees a big area (it's big as the living room upstairs) that has a sofa, TV, and a copy machine surround by boxes stacked against the walls. There is a young girl (about age eleven she looks a little like Bumblebee from Teen Titans) sitting on the sofa whimpering. Her back is facing Tzedek. Puke lies splattered on the yellow carpet starting from the sofa to the bathroom. A girl's creams are heard coming from the closed door that's across from the sofa as the guy #1 continues puking.
SFX (YOUNG GIRL WHIMPERING): SOB…SOB…
SFX (GIRL SCREAMING FROM THE CLOSED DOOR): AAAH! AAAH!
SFX (GUY#1 PUKING): BLEECH! BLEECH!
Panel 3 Moments later, Tzedek is in the bathroom hovering over guy #1 who is too busy puking to notice. Her hands are around his neck.
SFX(GUY #1 PUKING): BLEECH! BLEECH!
Caption: Got to make this short and sweet.
Panel 4 Black panel with only the words SNAP!!! big and red.
SFX(GUY #1'S NECK BREAKING):SNAP!
Panel 5 A minute later, Tzedek has made her way to the door that's by the sofa. She speaks briefly to the girl who's still whimpering.
TZEDEK: SSH. ARE YOU HURT?
GIRL: HE DIDN'T TRY TO YET.
Caption: And he won't ever.
Panel 6 Tzedek kicks in the door.
SFX (TZEDEK KICKING IN THE DOOR): BAM!!!
Panel 7 Tzedek enters the room as the door is weakly hanging on it's hinges to the right of her. Girl #2 (is about fifteen and looks like a mixture of Kagome from Inuyasha and Nicky Minaj)is on the floor-to the left of Tzedek-leaning against the wall crying. Guy #2 wears only boxers and his hands are around his waist as he was about to drop them. He's looking right at Tzedek with surprise and fear in his eyes. He's shaking violently as Tzedek looks right at him as if he's nothing.
TZEDEK: AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
Page 9
Panel 1 Ten minutes later…Tzedek's upstairs. As she nears the master bedroom, the sounds of a girl's screams and a man's laughter are oozing out of the bedroom. There's a blue vase sitting on a table outside the room. The mixture of beer and smoke pollute the air.
Caption: The last dude was easy, he just fainted out of pure fright…I made sure he won't ever wake up.
Caption: Thankfully the girls weren't hurt just shaken up a bit. I got to them in time. The question is can I get to this one…
Caption: Or am I too late?
SFX (GIRL'S SCREAMS) AAAAH! AAAH!
SFX (MAN'S LAUGHTER): HAHAHAHAAH!
Panel 2 With vase in both hands, Tzedek stealthly enters the the room as she watches a man (he's black has short black hair cut like a rectangle) repeatedly hit a girl (about age fifteen she looks like a young Harley Quinn and Poision Ivy) on top of a king sized bed. She screams as he laughs.
Caption: Beat then rape. That's always the gangs' protocol.
Caption: Looks like he just got started. I'm gonna finish…
Panel 3 With vase raised, Tzedek has moved quickly and quietly behind the guy #1 who assumes it's his partner and stops hitting the girl.
GUY #1 (OUT OF BREATH): HEY AARON, YOU DONE MAN? I NEED TO TAKE A LEAK BEFORE WE-
GUY #1: AARON?
Panel 4 Black panel with only SMASH!!!! in big and red lettering.
SFX (VASE HITTING THE GUY'S HEAD): SMASH!!!!!
Panel 5 Guy #1 is down for the count. Tzedek tells the girl-who's bleeding and bruised-now running for to the door, as Aaron (guy #2) comes out from the bathroom. He has blonde shoulder length hair and his face is scarred from acne. He wears a white t-shirt that has a faded surfboard on it and black jean skinny jeans. He's stunned to see guy #1 unconscious and Tzedek there. The smell of poop from the bathroom fills the air. Both Tzedek and the girl's noses are wrinkle from the stench.
AARON: RYAN WHAT'S-
AARON: HEY!
TZEDEK: HI THERE!
Panel 6 Angry that the girl was able to escape, Aaron punches Tzedek. In the background the sound of police sirens in the distance can be heard.
SFX(POLICE SIRENS): EEEEEEE! EEEEE!
AARON: DAMN YOU!
SFX(AARON PUNCHING TZEDEK): POW!
SFX(TZEDEK BEING PUNCHED):UH!
Panel 7 Aaron has farted in Tzedek's face who has just recovered from his punch. Her nose now bleeds and is wrinkled from the stench as she is about to hit Aaron with all her might as downstairs, the police enter the house.
SFX(FARTING NOISE): FRAAAAAAAAP!
TZEDEK: DAMN, YOU NEED A COLON CLEANSE!
SFX(POLICE): FREEZE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!
Caption: Gotta end this now.
Panel 8 Five minutes later, Tzedek is two doors down on the roof of a house across the street as she watches the police take into custody the two surviving gang members. A few feet away out of sight of the criminals, two detectives speak to the four girls and the gopher as the paramedics check them out.
Caption: Just in time…
Page 10
Panel 1 Hours later, riding on top of the EL train is Tzedek. The train has just arrived in the downtown area as Tzedek looks up in the sky. It's late afternoonand the wind begins to pick up as Tzedek reflects on the days events.
Caption: This was the second week in a row that I had to rescue a group of missing persons.
Panel 2 The train makes its way around the loop downtown as Tzedek prepares to jump down to the street below. She's spotted something.
SFX(A MALE VOICE OFFPANEL): SOMEONE HELP ME!
Panel 3 Tzedek has landed between an elderly Japanese man (who kinda looks like Pat Morita) who is on the ground and the guy who was on the train earlier with Uri. He now has a blue drug patch on his arm as he's as high as a kite and he's wielding a knife.
TZEDEDK: GET LOST!
GUY: MOVE OUT THE WAY WITCH!
Panel 4 The guy lunges at Tzedek as the elderly man now on his feet thanks Tzedek as she tells him to leave.
ELDERLY MAN: THANK YOU.
TZEDEK: YOU CAN LEAVE NOW.
Caption: I love it When they want to do this the hard way…
Panel 5 The old man leaves as Tzedek and the guy fight. Tzedek punches the guy knocking him out.
SFX(TZEDEK PUNCHING THE GUY): BAM!!
Caption: Told ya I get him.
Panel 6 Twenty minutes later high up on the ledge of the sixtieth floor, Tzedek holds the guy by the collar in the air with the street beneath him. He's freaking out.
Caption: Human trafficing is rising fast here in Shay Town.
MAN (FREAKING OUT): OH GOD NO, PLEASE!!
Caption: I've got to stop it.
TZEDEK (MIMICKING RICKY RICARDO): I NEED SOME ANSWERS DEJUAN!
Caption: Time to save a life.
Paper Planes Lyrics by M.I.A.
Copyright 2011. Tzedek by Talisha Harrison is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
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