A Manic Monday Ramble: I like being alone..for the most part anyway…

I like being alone, in fact I enjoy it for the most part. But there's this little glimmer of hope inside me that would like to have a partner to share my life with-I wouldn't mind falling in love. But every time there's an opportunity that occurs, the end result is that I end up hurt and remain alone. So then I become even more cynical about love, friendships, etc and want to be alone even more. 

I mean why are people afraid to die alone? 

I can be harsh sometimes or just cynical when it comes to being social. I have social phobia and I'm somewhat anti-social. I don't feel comfortable at a party or a group of people that I don't really know and I sure as hell get freaked out by people who appear/act happy go lucky. Happy people freak me out…

I mean I'm happy on the inside. I try not to get excited about things because the end result always for me is disappointment. 

I want to someday have my own property and my own land apart from other people. If I have that special someone in my life then that's great. Whenever I have someone in my life I love them hard. I put my all into it. But if they hurt me then I distance myself from them. They lose my trust and they don't get to know the stuff I would share with them and it's hard for them to get my trust back. 

I'm a person who doesn't like to share my troubles with others and so it appears to a lot of folks who know me (or claim to know me) that I don't have that many problems and then some of them when they see that I'm down like to write me letters or tell me what they believe is the answer to my problems like it's some easy fix. But I digress…

I'm happy on the inside and I'm not scared to die alone. Sometimes I wish it come sooner (but that's the depression talking)…I actually want to do a lot of things before I die., but there are times, where I want to close my eyes and never wake up (it's not like a lot people will miss me-I mean what impact do I truly have?)

There are times where I want to give up-my writing, believing in love and friendship, etc…

But here I go, rambling….

My So Called Update-After Spring Break

Spring break was meh…it started off bad but ended on a good note.

I've pick up some books from my job so I can officially start learning how to draw. I also got some art supplies from @nittoai so I'm really happy!

I also finished writing my 3 page script for the anthology that my tagline got accepted for. I know I'll have to do a couple of rewrites when the editor reads it so I look forward to that I want my story to be the best that it can be. 

I'm also slowly working on my characters and comic book ideas. Slow and steady…slow and steady…I have to keep saying that to myself. I'm a person who can see ahead and see what my stuff can be I can see it in my head and I know that I've got to do the work, that I've got to practice and practice. I just get impatient at times because I feel like I'm not improving that I'm not good enough-that my writing isn't good enough…it's frustrated and it gets me down…I get melancholy about it and other things…but I can't give up…

I get melancholy a lot…it comes and goes. I get melancholy about my writing, my relationship status, life in general, and sometimes I'm not even sure why I just get it….

But I'm gonna keep going…

My So Called Update…

 

Interesting…

Last Thursday took an interesting turn and I’m not gonna say a lot of about it but it has to do with a guy and I hope things continue to go well…

I’m officially a contributor to an online site Why Not Indie.com. I’m writing webcomic reviews for them so if any of you out know of good creator owned webcomics or if you yourself have a webcomic that you would like for people to know about please email me at taliadina@gmail.com.

Three more weeks till MegaCon! I’m excited. My costume/outfit is ready, and I’ve gotta get a note pad, camera,  snacks, ready to go. I’m looking forward to the panel though I’m a little nervous and I’m also looking forward to the speed dating. I won’t do it if things progress with me and the guy…

Work is going well for the most part, I said goodby to a coworker who’s move on to a much needed full time position at a law firm. There’s gonna be a full time position opening here but I’m not so sure I wanna apply for it. So we’ll see…I like my job and though there are times when it’s stressful, it’s a decent job. ..

I’m almost better. I hav e Graves Disease and I almost died two years ago and I’ve been getting better everyday. I haven’t driven a vehicle in a long time and so on Fridays I take a free refreshers course and I started last week and I hope to get a car soon. It’s not a want it’s a need-with my family’s circumstances I need a car…

That’s it for now.

My Life…

I need a huge change in my life.

I'm not happy with things as they are and I'm really glad that I'm starting to work on changing that.

I have a few goals that I want to meet:

I want to have a permanent job. 

I want/need to move…

I've been out of the workforce for a long time…I mean long due to health-physical and mental (I have social phobia,  with a mix of a little anti-socialness, anxiety and depression). 

I want/need a car

I would like to have real friends not people who want to pile their burdens on me but don't have the time of day to listen to my problems. I would like real friends near and far who are real friends not the folks that I've experienced for the majority of my life. 

You have to get pass the issues I've got (see above).

I want to get a dog (see above what I need).

I want to travel. I haven't done it in a while.

I would like to fall in love…mabye…well kinda…I'm somewhat cynical about all of that….we'll see…

I want to be able to draw my own comics-I can somewhat draw but if I practice everyday-as I am doing-I'll be able to do that. 

I'm writing my own comic book stories that have been up in the attic of my brain for a long time. I want to do a webcomic series but I need an artist so if anyone is up for it let me know. I can't pay you but I hope through our partnership we will be able to get paid.

I dediced to put Kehila Magazine on hiatus after the Fall issue comes out. 
I enjoy doing the magazine but it's really draining and at times frustrating when I don't have help and barely a lot of folks are  contributing submissions. I created Kehila Magazine as a space for Jews of Color to use but no one's really using it-so I guess it's not needed. Hence the hiatus. Kehila will be back in the future but right now I'll be only posting articles and links on Kehila's tumblr page and Facebook group page.

I'm also doing a live podcast on Comicmaniacs-I just started doing it. I'm not that good at it yet but with practice it will get better. Hopefully I'll get some listeners. 

Well with that, I'm off to sleep. If you want to you can always ask me questions on my Tumblr page… 

It's off to bedlam with me

Good Midnight

Tali